Breadskins. The only phonetically identical solution to the Washington Redskins controversy. Considering the irrefutable facts that bread is the most American food staple in America and that the skin is the toughest and most nutritious part of the bread, “Breadskins” is a winner.
A real breadwinner.
Washington DC is a land of proud history and tradition. And if there’s one thing that people in lands of proud history and tradition hate, it’s change. So if a major sporting organization has to change the name of its team, why not choose a name that has nearly the exact same pronunciation as the former name? Conveniently, songs and cheers referring the “Skins” can remain almost entirely unaltered. Let’s go Skins!
Is there anything more American than bread? Probably not. The average American consumes 52 pounds of bread per year. Countries around the world know the United States as the “breadbasket” nation. Even our national anthem makes mention of the “amber waves of grain” that are harvested to produce the wholesome loaves and hot dog buns that make our country great. Though Washington DC is not necessarily a heartland of wheat farms and bakeries, it is home to a powerful group of bread lobbyists who toil in the fields of Congress to ensure that the future of bread will be long and fruitful.
With the sole exception of banana bread, a bread’s crust is a force to be reckoned with. In the hands of a skilled baker, a crust can reach Knoop hardness levels rivaling nickel & tin. The Washington Breadskins will pound their opponents into the ground, much like a particularly stale loaf of sourdough could pound a small animal into that same ground. Recent studies also show that breadskin is nutritiously powerful. According to researchers at the American Chemical Society's Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry, “bread crust not only contains powerful antioxidants that can combat cancer, it is also rich in dietary fiber.”
Q. Could Breadskins potentially be perceived as an ethnic stereotype?
A. No. Bread is enjoyed all around the world and is widely regarded as the least offensive item in the pantry.
Q. Is this just some big cop-out that lets Redskins fans continue to say “Redskins” without impunity?
A. Absolutely not. Due to the power of contextual phonetics, fans that continue to intend on pronouncing “red” instead of “bread” will simply be perceived to be saying “breadskins.” Therefore, “Redskins” as a football-associated word will practically cease to exist.
Q. Who will the new mascot be?
A. The Washington Breadskins will be represented by the most fearsome Breadskin of all: Crusty the Heel. The heel of the breadloaf is nearly 100% breadskin and is therefore the perfect representation of a formidable new era in bread-centric Washington sports.
Q. Will the Breadskins Stadium continue to be sponsored by FedEx?
A. Ideally, yes. FedEx Stadium is a functioning and noncontroversial stadium. However, if the team should ever need to find a new sponsor, they should have a wide variety of corporate options: Wonderbread, Sunbeam, Nature’s Own, Bimbo, the list goes on.
Q. Any concern that "Breadskins" will alienate Washington’s gluten-sensitive fans?
A. No. There are plenty of gluten-free breads, many of which have particularly thick skins due to the baking attributes of alternative grains.
Q. What about fans that prefer to remove the crust from their sandwiches?
A. These fans should be reminded that there are hungry children in third world countries who would be happy to eat their crusts.
Q. Gosh. You make a solid case. How can we make this happen?
A. The dream that is the Washington Breadskins can only be made a reality if we the people can work together to sway the powerful politicians and lobbyists in charge of this decision. We must take to the streets of Twitter and also possibly the actual streets! We must convince the world of the convenience of a phonetically identical alternative to “Redskins!” We must cry out: “Give us Breadskins or give us death!”